Advise for new moms

It is true that you always see other women doing it and you think how bad can it be?
It's a sham! Ask any of them!
It is true, that they have the perfect look and the perfect kids and the perfect house and the perfect picture. But just try and ask them how they manage.
They will say they don't!
It's like this old question of why isn't the moon falling towards the earth since there is gravitation? The answer: oh, but it is! Earth is just moving away during the process.

So if you want to have everything planed so you can have the perfect after birth experience and chose the best healthiest way to raise your kid you are either from a magical realm, highly delusional or don't really know what a newborn does to you. They are quiet and cute in pictures, they are a bit stressed when you visit but nothing that compares to how lovely they look and they get so peaceful when they are feeding or sleeping.

And if you are one of those women that doesn't need sleep, doesn't need eating and can multitask more than an octacore computer, maybe life will be perfect for you when you get your new born cozy in your arms. And some babies are easier than others, and some mothers are more prepared than others. Some have bought all the right items and read all the right books and have seen first hand what living with a newborn can mean. If that is the case, I have no further advise for you, I offer my sincere apologies for calling you a unicorn earlier and wish you are right and all goes well and that your little bundle of joy feels your day with rich romantic comedy like moments and poops rainbows. 

If you are the kind of mother that gets moody when you don't sleep your beauty 6 hours, when you haven't eaten in the last 4 hours or when you have a light persistent pain please kiss your other-half now and thank him in advance because he is in for a treat. If he thought your wild hormones during pregnancy were the biggest of his concerns he has another thing coming.

Bright shiny silver lining:

• Your baby will be the cutest thing you will ever behold - he comes to you on a dirty blanket, still with blood and if you are less lucky also some poo, his head will be coned from all the pushing and his skin will be as wrinkled as your grandfather's and yet he will be the dearest thing. Ya, mommy brains are not consistent or they wouldn't attempt such a torture as motherhood.
• You won't remember much, you'll actually have trouble answering your name after a week of the birth. Tiredness and hormones will make sure that your memory will progressively retain more as you increasingly learn to deal with your baby, create a routine and he starts sleeping longer.
• He is the master or surprises. Nothing in the world can prepare you for anything that he is going to be or do. And everything he learns, every day in his early life is not only a miracle but helps define his personality under your eyes... you get to meat this amazing being that you created while he discovers himself. And that is indescribable. You will feel his development in steps. My husband would actually take the baby's tiny hand into his and go "Nice to meet you sir." whenever we got this overwhelming feeling that he was becoming his own person, which is extremely often in the beginning.
• Your baby will be perfect and better than anything you planed for. No mater what you planed for or what you expected, or what during that delusional time in which you claw at your planning to constrain the unpredictability that is this revolution in your life have conceived, his real self will be so much more. This baby as a cleaning lady will be so much more perfect than the musician you were prepared to conceive. There is something inherently magical in his being, whether it is the piece of him that is you, or the piece of him that is your partner or the piece of him that he created all on his own.
• Time with your baby in your hands will fill your heart so much when he is ok that it will be enough for you to withstand anything that that little tortuous devil decides to throw at you, and prepare for he will throw some very nasty.... 
• Newborns will soon turn into infants and that is more manageable, you just have to endure 1 to 3 months of military grade experience.
• You have no idea where they come from, and don't expect to have any since you never used them, but you have instincts. More than that, no one will be able to learn to read your baby as you can, because he is so much like you or someone you hopefully love that you will know him inside out... it helps that he literally pours his insides into diapers you need changing.

Down falls:

• Your time will no longer exit. Time will be an un-stretchable force that keeps you running from  task to task on an urgency basis and will fold into a toothpick when you are finally able  to sleep. All those routines you had so you could take care of yourself, which are important to keep you sane, won't seem as important when there is a tiny human depending on you to survive his latest crisis -be it hunger, wetness, tiredness or simple discomfort.
• Everyone will tell you how important it is to exercise, to eat healthy food, to keep clean and to balance your marriage (if that is the case), your me-time and your baby's needs. It sounds natural before the birth, but becomes absurd as soon as you have a glimpse of what you're in for and a struggle from then on. Your expectations to keep everybody happy will succumb in face of his angel sleeping look and you will realize that there is no realistic way to take care of a newborn and dedicate any extra energy to anything else, unless you have an army of helpers in which case lucky you give them a raise. 
• You will only feel like you have a hold on your life in between teething, fevers and learning sprees. As soon as you think, my life is getting back on track, the baby is sleeping 6-8hours a day during the night and I am creating a routine, one of these terribly frequent events will kill your dream. This happens in a medically precise frequency, long enough that allows you to be convinced that there is hope for a normal life and short enough that your routine will never be the same again.
• You will be feeling all sorts of wonderful emotions, but all people will be able to tell is that you look exhausted and pale. Let your husband know that you are over the moon and it will be your little secret. He probably also looks like hell from all the pacing and worrying and fearing that they have to impotently go through, don't underestimate that. And he probably feels as relieved that all went well and baffled by your new precious tiny being as you and is probably as expressive about it.

 Suggestions:

• If you can have a chance of clarity apologize to your partner for having disappeared from your mind whilst being the rock that keeps your head afloat. Thank him for anything that he is doing because you can't imagine how much more difficult your life would be without his help and right now you don't really want to try. Better yet, thank him before you embrace on this journey, and before you deliver because your thanking options will be much more limited for the next three months. (ya, no one remembers to tell you that)
• Anything that can make your tasks automatic, simpler or more dummy proof is worth the money if you can afford it:
• Any cooking  appliance that has a timer and allows you to pour in the ingredients and mindlessly walk away is going to save your meals and you will need lots of meals. You will be such a zombie with your sleep deprivation that anything that is not child proof is a hazard in your hands.
• Any automatic way to clean, vacuum, wash or dry your house, your cloths or dishes is going to allow you to actually have a decent life. Because the alternative to having it easy, simple and fast to set is not having it done at all. (This includes cleaning aid that is not robotic)
• Get a sterilizer for your microwave and make sure all the bottles, accessories and pacifiers of your new born are compatible with microwave sterilization. The alternative of boiling these things on a pan takes forever and you have to keep an eye on it, remember only half eyes during short periods of times are available now. Even the newer versions of automatic sterilizers can be good but occupy a lot of space in a kitchen, so make sure that they work for you in time and space. 
• When you chose a bottle warmer, and you will most certainly need one, chose one that is fast. That will be the difference between 4 min and 9 min of your plump baby desperately complaining for the fear of starvation and he will panic over it every single time or you will panic that he doesn't.
• A place to bath your baby in which you don't have to bend. I don't know if anyone has already told you but since you first stood up after birth you realize that your body has lost its shape. No, I don't mean that you no longer fit in your favorite jeans, though forget those. I mean your muscles have spread out as much as possible slowly along 9 months, they don't even know who they are right now hanging around you hoping to find purpose and they will... in time. But for now, you need to simplify your life to avoid bending, pulling, pushing, standing... the usual. Maybe follow some after birth gym classes, they are great to show how little you are expected to be able to do and make for a brilliant support group therapy.
• A place to change your baby that doesn't make you bend and he is not going to roll out of will make it so much simpler for you to do this highly frequent task with the least inconvenience and reduce the time of exposure to those gracious smelly things that used diapers are.
• I do not know how our parents did it, our grandparents just wouldn't work, but our parents... I mean, there is no way in this century you will be able to have a baby without a washing machine. If there is an issue with yours, change it. You won't survive a breaking down of the machine. If it is not fast enough, upgrade it. I mean, forget about the car, you are not leaving the house for long distances for a while anyway, the washing machine is the must have of your post-natal family. That and a fridge... filled with food. (that is where the daddy most comes in)
• Enough cloths for you, the baby, and anywhere you both go (sofa, bed, bed, bed...?):
• Enough cloths for the baby to change 5-8 times a day. You will be using the washing machine regularly and the cuter your baby looks the easier will be to go through all of this with a smile of awe. I assume that stores know this, and the fact that you are vulnerable before the birth and that is why they devise these deviously gorgeous cloths, so you want to buy all of the store. But more important than beauty at this point is to have enough high quality cloths. You'll need the cloths to not bother the baby's sensitive skin and body and you need to wash them permanently and you need them in enough quantity and that is for all. It doesn't matter that you only need one jacket to go out in the cold, your baby will spill milk on it the first time he uses it. 
• If you are considering breastfeeding don't buy maternity cloths, but maternity cloths that allow you to breastfeed. Many times it will take a while before you fit back on your regular cloths (like for any actual human) and you will need some strategic openings in your shirts, and night dresses to accommodate for the mini-leach. Don't get me wrong, you will be topless shamelessly as soon as sleep and his screams win over your numbed down sense of self-pride. Maternity cloths are used for so little time that buying them with the second purpose will make you save money, patience and be prepared for those awkward moments of feeding without exposing too much or catching a cold. Also, you will need a lot of them, your baby does not only puke on himself, he gets jets of it on anyone around, and that is often you. 
• There is a marvelous devise which is a nursing cover, if you fell less comfortable with full top nudity if it is your own in front of your in-laws consider getting one, it is a savior. They are basically a huge cloth with a metal bending wire and a rope. The rope will hang the cloth on your neck and the wire will keep the cloth from falling over your chest leaving an opening for you and you alone to gaze at your happy little sucker.
• Find some enormous yet comfortable underwear. You weren't told yet, but you will be using extra large pads for a month or so. No, not the "I have more flux than usual" pads, the "my whole body is being drained through this pipe" pads. The same way the pads are enormous so is your bleeding, so get lots of underwear, you will be changing it regularly. Get several bras that allow to breastfeed, don't buy them too early, the girls will still grow to make you laugh at yourself when you pass a mirror. Forget the usefulness of the things, these are our apologies to our celibate partners for the next few months. And we will need a massage from time to time. Get also pads for the bras. Yes, your breast will think they are sprinklers without warning anytime between birth and a regular baby meal. Yo never remember to bring these along, some hospitals already have it cover for you.
• A machine that allows you to steam food and blend it without making you wash an extra pan and that has a timer so you don't burn anything. That will only be needed once your baby starts on solids but months pass on such a speed and you might want to prepare all your balances and checks.
• Accept help. You will need to be strong in so many other ways. You will need to focus so much on your tiny bugger. Any help that is given to you and comes in good faith accept it! Sooner than you would like to admit you will be totally dependent on others to be feed, clean and healthy. How much does your pride actually cost in terms of exhaustion? 
• Prioritize:
• If your daily routine before bed has 20 steps, all very important, and takes over 10min: pick the ones you can feet in 5min that you couldn't leave without, or that would damage you a lot, like peeing and brushing your teeth, and remember that you are at zombie speed.
• If you really want this meal you love and takes 2 hours to make, do it when you have extra help home and then don't do anything like that for a week. Just become a follower of 15 min meals, whatever your partner is better at putting together, charity handouts from parents and parents in law and healthy snacks. Try to use the less amount of dishes possible and you'll be fine.
• Don't worry about the mess. The important thing is that you and your baby survive these first months without any danger to your health. If there are things out of place then they will be sorted later, unless we are talking of falling hazards. Remember that your brain is drained, zombie proof your surroundings. If there are people coming to visit they either understand or shouldn't come. 
• If there is dirty stuff lying around, get a hold of yourself. Find the time to clean up because you need your environment to be as clean as possible. Ask your partner to help out, get house aid or call your mommy. Don't let things go rotten! That can be very bad for your baby's health. And you'll need him to have as much of that as possible.
• Breast feed. Unless it is impossible for you for some reason, breastfeeding can make your life so much easier. Think about it. You get to have on demand, at the right temperature, ready to use, without issues with transport a full nutrition pack for your little hungry lion. Also, it is incredible how fast it goes from something unthinkable and awkward to the most natural bonding ceremony your can have.