Raw

My skin has been grinded out
scraped leaving my nerves exposed.
Instinct, I recoil from touch
and shy from the light and sound.

My head is heavy,
as neurons drown in a dark poll;
And my neck struggles,
to keep my head over water;
As my shoulders hunch,
with unremovable burden;
Along my pale face,
two training weights drag at my cheeks;
Low lids dig my eyes,
within the shade of dark circles.

You ask me if I am ok?
I am fine thank you.

I just wish I wouldn't, 

burst at every setback,

acid lava within shouts.

I just hate who I've become,
I look worst than my grandmother
behave worst than my mother. 

I just wish there was more to me
than the feeder, cleaner, enforcer
the silent listener, lover.

I just hate the world,
not you, not them,
just me in it and thereof.

Mommy will be right back

Her hand grasped firmly the wobbling handrail,
a step further, another crack of wood.

The candle she held but contoured her face,
as she moved the shadows danced ever still.

A light burst through the basement's entrails
drawing a table with perturbing tools,
broken chairs and gimmicks conquered by webs,
only to drawn back to the depths of black.

Followed the rattling of the enraged skies,
heavy bodies of water crash in fight,
shaking her spine the way down to her thighs,
the candle nearly dropped to start a fire.

A foot forward, her free hand ahead
to slowly test for free space between shades.
Her pinky smashes a hefty card box
and the drunken candle vomits hot wax

Then sharp profanity words are exhaled
and she resumes her stroll through the dark woods
shades delineate in her somber mind
while screams of frightened kids reach from above.

Her fingers touch the smooth plate of plastic,
open carefully (it's a brittle lid)
to find a switch in a bow position.
''Found it!'' - She shouts as she pulls it upwards.

Buzzing lights eat the forest from the mess
and chants of joy waterfall down the walls.
She blew out the candle, ran up the stairs
to her spot amid the couch and a blanket.

"Let's watch something filled with suspense! Popcorn?"
Cheers in uproar greeted her short comment.

Sending little him to school

His shoulders hang low by the weight on the bag,

His footsteps echoed loudly in sore resignation.

His eyes are deserted by the understanding

of no reasonable explanation but "must be".

He knows I must go, I must leave, I must work.

Doesn't get to wonder “why”, “what for” or "if" it is so.

Doesn't get to choose his path, his time or his crowd.

Doesn't get to complain, not anymore, he has grown.

How can I tell him to defy what lies ahead,

if I cannot defend my place in his early life?

Am I teaching to be strong or forcing to conform?

It is not money we require, we are fortunate there.

It is not a habit of ages, my grandmother wouldn't.

It just hurts every day to watch him strode this way.

Night

 I hold you while you gulf

that huge bottle of milk.

Straighten you up to burp

and sing to you quietly.

Drowsy eyes, full belly

soft pjs, clean diaper,

you are rocked slowly

to the land of wonder.

In my arms you will find

the comfort you need might

that is all that I aspire.

Hope in the morning to hear,

that graceful inviting smile

to that I sleep, nighty night.

Betrayal of the working mom

I have worked through pregnancy
when my fist wouldn't clench,
when the nights were left unheld
and breathing was a torment.

I did so because I loved my job,
my colleagues and my boss.
Responsibilities fueled me
with intrinsic need to weather.

Safeguarding our health
I was set to rest prematurely,
fortunately able to insure
the most urgent affairs closure.

Haunting the house aimlessly,
anticipation consuming my energy
the day came glorying my pain
and handed was a world with a ribbon.

My baby, my joy and my focus alone,
for the months to come
was a gift, a miracle
and a brilliant leach of life.

She had my undivided attention
for as long as I could master,
but life caught up with us,
my body barely mine and brain drained.

Eager to resume my functions
got a review from my sympathetic employee,
surprised that I was not my dynamic
and cunning self while making life.

Burst the amazing illusion
of being professionally cherished,
the drive to hand my precious
to another's arms for my job hanged.

My mother's color

In my earlier days,

as the sleepy first ray

touched the wooden shades

in my small bedroom frame.

She would slide with no pull,

her lips drawn in a curve:

"Goood morniiing from

the lark to the blackbird"

That was one other quirk

I could not comprehend

that would bring to me glee

no matter where I'd stand.

Under echoes of thunder

I'd be the one visiting,

her square bright room,

with for furniture a

double bed 'n' a stand.

But the sun exploded

shone its nuclear a core,

and its warm a color:

embraced circular lamps,

dripped along the long drapes,

bounced on the smooth duvet,

poured down the carpet

and swallowed you mellow.

The room has since enlarged

symptoms of a good age

but the color remains

her favorite today.

I still guarantee her sight

gets wrong, blue?, signals

when yellow fills her eyes.

Yet I climb to a nest

when those touches mine.

My father had plenty advice

When you hug them by the knee,
they look so high, so sturdy.
Shades hit your sensitive eyes
givin'm waving colored capes.

When they hold you by the hand,
there's no scratch that can't be mend.
Their wise words beyond your smarts
sing reason to rocky waves.

When you part from their clean nest,
you take what straws you found best,
while doubt bends them in tempest
fill your quest the way that's best.

As you get held by the knee,
you re-hear them and you see.

The shell pendant

The shell hangs on a golden string
asymmetric lines curved together
in the valley that roots my neck
a picture inside I keep on holding.

Cheap cloths on a public beach,
the young us playing catch,
a moment in colors of chess,
caught by a since lost lens.

It holds all those stormy nights
I came to sleep by your side,
all the "how was your day"s
of the greening of the leaves.

The cold of the suns that set
shed of that and other salt
and dried, pressured into pulp
holds the bones in a pole.

Me, a flag to the wind of time
tight to it gaze the reviewer,
it is that shell of once upon
my compass to where I've been.

But the tide keeps at my ankles
resigned to rob under my feet
the desert that there stood
steady as the clock's beat.

The day will come it will win
when of this shell I lose grip
and holding on to a gem
won't brace me for the slip.

Because it is your history
the concrete ground
the future is built upon.

inspired in : 

Morning - as published

A muffled sound,
alarmed my ears
sharpening the senses.

My feet found the ground
before I could ask,
hands risen avoid shadows.

I tiptoed my way
through the dark corridor
anxious to find the door.

It was closed,
but I could hear feet
bouncing on the bars.

First placed my hand
on the cold knob
trying my best to relax.

Though the pounding
of a heart echoed
through my brain.

I opened it wide
as silently as
I could tremble.

A dim light escaped
filling the small room
with a eerie gloom.

Her head shot up
her eyes widened
with unspoken relief.

Her hands held
towards me in
completely vulnerable.

She could see me,
knew help had come
to set her free.

Soon released a giggle,
no words yet
just infantile drivel.

The beautiful sound
of a magical morning
in all daily glory.


 - as published in 2019 Havik - Las Positas College

👶 Strolling lullaby 👶

Your littl'hands in mine,
one at each side,
balancing forth n back
in a gentle tide.

Hum this simple sound,
join in your voice,
for moments as these
will forever bound.


Blue is the sky
warm sunny light.
Green is the grass
that lets us pass.
Yellow is her dress
hand to my right.
Red is his shirt
on my left side.

Pick up a swift pace,
giggle as we race,
to meat nowhere
and no one chase.

No need for a point
no reason to curve
nonsense is plane
magic just burst.

Blue is the sky
warm sunny light.
Green is the grass
that lets's pass.
Yellow is her dress
hand to my right.
Red is his shirt
on my left side.

How could I
've ever thought
you'd bring me
so much color?

As you hold
my hands tight,
dazzling smile...
This is the life!

Hand your sister a bead

- Mommy, she's at it again!
- What is she doing then?
- She is breaking it,
always ruins everything!
- Oh sweet boy, how to make
you see long beyond
these testing days?
Past learning to chew
her hands and toys
to when she is your closest.
Through thick and thin,
she'll know you best.

- Hand her one bead.
She only wants to be
part of her amazing
Bubba's fantasy,
she won't care how big
her part is in it.

You'll miss these days
she can't help but stare
in wonder and awe
of her big brother.
When she is grown
and no longer a fan
she will then frown
and you won't idol.
Keep her hand near
your voice in her ear
help her develop
and forever be there.

If you don't resist,
you will find she is,
to you, and you to her,
my ultimate gift.

Twinkle twinkle little star 🌟

Twinkle twinkle little star,
being of wonder, being of light.
You found a hold of my hart.
Breathe blissfully through the night.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
being of wonder, being of light.
      
 Twinkle twinkle little star,
being of wonder, being of light.
Dream my arms rock y'a-bye,
through rainbows of golden wow.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
hope to shelter who you are.

My chubby source of snot 😪

My little miracle.
Rub a runny nose against my favorite blouse,
your tummy does more noises than a horse
and your diaper needs constant fumigating.

My bundle of joy.
Drool on my phone or drum it against a table,
your screams pierce through concrete walls
and your sticky hands grab everything they're able.

I'll take you to the moon and back,
just don't ask me why I am flat,
or comment me on my size of jeans.

I'll hold you higher than the sky,
just be patient with my memory,
and remember I wouldn't trade it.

Advise for new moms

It is true that you always see other women doing it and you think how bad can it be?
It's a sham! Ask any of them!
It is true, that they have the perfect look and the perfect kids and the perfect house and the perfect picture. But just try and ask them how they manage.
They will say they don't!
It's like this old question of why isn't the moon falling towards the earth since there is gravitation? The answer: oh, but it is! Earth is just moving away during the process.

So if you want to have everything planed so you can have the perfect after birth experience and chose the best healthiest way to raise your kid you are either from a magical realm, highly delusional or don't really know what a newborn does to you. They are quiet and cute in pictures, they are a bit stressed when you visit but nothing that compares to how lovely they look and they get so peaceful when they are feeding or sleeping.

And if you are one of those women that doesn't need sleep, doesn't need eating and can multitask more than an octacore computer, maybe life will be perfect for you when you get your new born cozy in your arms. And some babies are easier than others, and some mothers are more prepared than others. Some have bought all the right items and read all the right books and have seen first hand what living with a newborn can mean. If that is the case, I have no further advise for you, I offer my sincere apologies for calling you a unicorn earlier and wish you are right and all goes well and that your little bundle of joy feels your day with rich romantic comedy like moments and poops rainbows. 

If you are the kind of mother that gets moody when you don't sleep your beauty 6 hours, when you haven't eaten in the last 4 hours or when you have a light persistent pain please kiss your other-half now and thank him in advance because he is in for a treat. If he thought your wild hormones during pregnancy were the biggest of his concerns he has another thing coming.

Bright shiny silver lining:

• Your baby will be the cutest thing you will ever behold - he comes to you on a dirty blanket, still with blood and if you are less lucky also some poo, his head will be coned from all the pushing and his skin will be as wrinkled as your grandfather's and yet he will be the dearest thing. Ya, mommy brains are not consistent or they wouldn't attempt such a torture as motherhood.
• You won't remember much, you'll actually have trouble answering your name after a week of the birth. Tiredness and hormones will make sure that your memory will progressively retain more as you increasingly learn to deal with your baby, create a routine and he starts sleeping longer.
• He is the master or surprises. Nothing in the world can prepare you for anything that he is going to be or do. And everything he learns, every day in his early life is not only a miracle but helps define his personality under your eyes... you get to meat this amazing being that you created while he discovers himself. And that is indescribable. You will feel his development in steps. My husband would actually take the baby's tiny hand into his and go "Nice to meet you sir." whenever we got this overwhelming feeling that he was becoming his own person, which is extremely often in the beginning.
• Your baby will be perfect and better than anything you planed for. No mater what you planed for or what you expected, or what during that delusional time in which you claw at your planning to constrain the unpredictability that is this revolution in your life have conceived, his real self will be so much more. This baby as a cleaning lady will be so much more perfect than the musician you were prepared to conceive. There is something inherently magical in his being, whether it is the piece of him that is you, or the piece of him that is your partner or the piece of him that he created all on his own.
• Time with your baby in your hands will fill your heart so much when he is ok that it will be enough for you to withstand anything that that little tortuous devil decides to throw at you, and prepare for he will throw some very nasty.... 
• Newborns will soon turn into infants and that is more manageable, you just have to endure 1 to 3 months of military grade experience.
• You have no idea where they come from, and don't expect to have any since you never used them, but you have instincts. More than that, no one will be able to learn to read your baby as you can, because he is so much like you or someone you hopefully love that you will know him inside out... it helps that he literally pours his insides into diapers you need changing.

Down falls:

• Your time will no longer exit. Time will be an un-stretchable force that keeps you running from  task to task on an urgency basis and will fold into a toothpick when you are finally able  to sleep. All those routines you had so you could take care of yourself, which are important to keep you sane, won't seem as important when there is a tiny human depending on you to survive his latest crisis -be it hunger, wetness, tiredness or simple discomfort.
• Everyone will tell you how important it is to exercise, to eat healthy food, to keep clean and to balance your marriage (if that is the case), your me-time and your baby's needs. It sounds natural before the birth, but becomes absurd as soon as you have a glimpse of what you're in for and a struggle from then on. Your expectations to keep everybody happy will succumb in face of his angel sleeping look and you will realize that there is no realistic way to take care of a newborn and dedicate any extra energy to anything else, unless you have an army of helpers in which case lucky you give them a raise. 
• You will only feel like you have a hold on your life in between teething, fevers and learning sprees. As soon as you think, my life is getting back on track, the baby is sleeping 6-8hours a day during the night and I am creating a routine, one of these terribly frequent events will kill your dream. This happens in a medically precise frequency, long enough that allows you to be convinced that there is hope for a normal life and short enough that your routine will never be the same again.
• You will be feeling all sorts of wonderful emotions, but all people will be able to tell is that you look exhausted and pale. Let your husband know that you are over the moon and it will be your little secret. He probably also looks like hell from all the pacing and worrying and fearing that they have to impotently go through, don't underestimate that. And he probably feels as relieved that all went well and baffled by your new precious tiny being as you and is probably as expressive about it.

 Suggestions:

• If you can have a chance of clarity apologize to your partner for having disappeared from your mind whilst being the rock that keeps your head afloat. Thank him for anything that he is doing because you can't imagine how much more difficult your life would be without his help and right now you don't really want to try. Better yet, thank him before you embrace on this journey, and before you deliver because your thanking options will be much more limited for the next three months. (ya, no one remembers to tell you that)
• Anything that can make your tasks automatic, simpler or more dummy proof is worth the money if you can afford it:
• Any cooking  appliance that has a timer and allows you to pour in the ingredients and mindlessly walk away is going to save your meals and you will need lots of meals. You will be such a zombie with your sleep deprivation that anything that is not child proof is a hazard in your hands.
• Any automatic way to clean, vacuum, wash or dry your house, your cloths or dishes is going to allow you to actually have a decent life. Because the alternative to having it easy, simple and fast to set is not having it done at all. (This includes cleaning aid that is not robotic)
• Get a sterilizer for your microwave and make sure all the bottles, accessories and pacifiers of your new born are compatible with microwave sterilization. The alternative of boiling these things on a pan takes forever and you have to keep an eye on it, remember only half eyes during short periods of times are available now. Even the newer versions of automatic sterilizers can be good but occupy a lot of space in a kitchen, so make sure that they work for you in time and space. 
• When you chose a bottle warmer, and you will most certainly need one, chose one that is fast. That will be the difference between 4 min and 9 min of your plump baby desperately complaining for the fear of starvation and he will panic over it every single time or you will panic that he doesn't.
• A place to bath your baby in which you don't have to bend. I don't know if anyone has already told you but since you first stood up after birth you realize that your body has lost its shape. No, I don't mean that you no longer fit in your favorite jeans, though forget those. I mean your muscles have spread out as much as possible slowly along 9 months, they don't even know who they are right now hanging around you hoping to find purpose and they will... in time. But for now, you need to simplify your life to avoid bending, pulling, pushing, standing... the usual. Maybe follow some after birth gym classes, they are great to show how little you are expected to be able to do and make for a brilliant support group therapy.
• A place to change your baby that doesn't make you bend and he is not going to roll out of will make it so much simpler for you to do this highly frequent task with the least inconvenience and reduce the time of exposure to those gracious smelly things that used diapers are.
• I do not know how our parents did it, our grandparents just wouldn't work, but our parents... I mean, there is no way in this century you will be able to have a baby without a washing machine. If there is an issue with yours, change it. You won't survive a breaking down of the machine. If it is not fast enough, upgrade it. I mean, forget about the car, you are not leaving the house for long distances for a while anyway, the washing machine is the must have of your post-natal family. That and a fridge... filled with food. (that is where the daddy most comes in)
• Enough cloths for you, the baby, and anywhere you both go (sofa, bed, bed, bed...?):
• Enough cloths for the baby to change 5-8 times a day. You will be using the washing machine regularly and the cuter your baby looks the easier will be to go through all of this with a smile of awe. I assume that stores know this, and the fact that you are vulnerable before the birth and that is why they devise these deviously gorgeous cloths, so you want to buy all of the store. But more important than beauty at this point is to have enough high quality cloths. You'll need the cloths to not bother the baby's sensitive skin and body and you need to wash them permanently and you need them in enough quantity and that is for all. It doesn't matter that you only need one jacket to go out in the cold, your baby will spill milk on it the first time he uses it. 
• If you are considering breastfeeding don't buy maternity cloths, but maternity cloths that allow you to breastfeed. Many times it will take a while before you fit back on your regular cloths (like for any actual human) and you will need some strategic openings in your shirts, and night dresses to accommodate for the mini-leach. Don't get me wrong, you will be topless shamelessly as soon as sleep and his screams win over your numbed down sense of self-pride. Maternity cloths are used for so little time that buying them with the second purpose will make you save money, patience and be prepared for those awkward moments of feeding without exposing too much or catching a cold. Also, you will need a lot of them, your baby does not only puke on himself, he gets jets of it on anyone around, and that is often you. 
• There is a marvelous devise which is a nursing cover, if you fell less comfortable with full top nudity if it is your own in front of your in-laws consider getting one, it is a savior. They are basically a huge cloth with a metal bending wire and a rope. The rope will hang the cloth on your neck and the wire will keep the cloth from falling over your chest leaving an opening for you and you alone to gaze at your happy little sucker.
• Find some enormous yet comfortable underwear. You weren't told yet, but you will be using extra large pads for a month or so. No, not the "I have more flux than usual" pads, the "my whole body is being drained through this pipe" pads. The same way the pads are enormous so is your bleeding, so get lots of underwear, you will be changing it regularly. Get several bras that allow to breastfeed, don't buy them too early, the girls will still grow to make you laugh at yourself when you pass a mirror. Forget the usefulness of the things, these are our apologies to our celibate partners for the next few months. And we will need a massage from time to time. Get also pads for the bras. Yes, your breast will think they are sprinklers without warning anytime between birth and a regular baby meal. Yo never remember to bring these along, some hospitals already have it cover for you.
• A machine that allows you to steam food and blend it without making you wash an extra pan and that has a timer so you don't burn anything. That will only be needed once your baby starts on solids but months pass on such a speed and you might want to prepare all your balances and checks.
• Accept help. You will need to be strong in so many other ways. You will need to focus so much on your tiny bugger. Any help that is given to you and comes in good faith accept it! Sooner than you would like to admit you will be totally dependent on others to be feed, clean and healthy. How much does your pride actually cost in terms of exhaustion? 
• Prioritize:
• If your daily routine before bed has 20 steps, all very important, and takes over 10min: pick the ones you can feet in 5min that you couldn't leave without, or that would damage you a lot, like peeing and brushing your teeth, and remember that you are at zombie speed.
• If you really want this meal you love and takes 2 hours to make, do it when you have extra help home and then don't do anything like that for a week. Just become a follower of 15 min meals, whatever your partner is better at putting together, charity handouts from parents and parents in law and healthy snacks. Try to use the less amount of dishes possible and you'll be fine.
• Don't worry about the mess. The important thing is that you and your baby survive these first months without any danger to your health. If there are things out of place then they will be sorted later, unless we are talking of falling hazards. Remember that your brain is drained, zombie proof your surroundings. If there are people coming to visit they either understand or shouldn't come. 
• If there is dirty stuff lying around, get a hold of yourself. Find the time to clean up because you need your environment to be as clean as possible. Ask your partner to help out, get house aid or call your mommy. Don't let things go rotten! That can be very bad for your baby's health. And you'll need him to have as much of that as possible.
• Breast feed. Unless it is impossible for you for some reason, breastfeeding can make your life so much easier. Think about it. You get to have on demand, at the right temperature, ready to use, without issues with transport a full nutrition pack for your little hungry lion. Also, it is incredible how fast it goes from something unthinkable and awkward to the most natural bonding ceremony your can have.

To my baby sister - a diffrent new born card

I still don't understand everything.

Mommy says I was made of love,
grown like a little bread bun in her belly.
Daddy says he couldn't wait to meet me,
 that I turned them into a family.

And then, in this day,
the XX of XXXXX of 20xx,
you left the big belly from mommy too.
You are so tiny, only XXcm and XX.Xkg
and you look funny,
but mommy says beauty comes from within
(which in you really smells).

Don't worry, don't cry.
I know you are just a little baby.
I've learned to walk and talk and play
 and now I can help you too.
And we'll be the best of friends forever and ever.

Welcome to our home, <address to visit>.
Welcome to our family, <newborn name>.
Me, mommy (<mother's name and contact>) and daddy (<father's name and contact>)
have been waiting for you.

You will love our godmother <godmother name>
and our godfather <godfather name>.
And expect to meet all our friends soon.

Love, <older sibling name>
(Everybody calls me <older sibling name>,
but you can call me brother.)

30 weeks, when does it end?

My dear, I love you and I hope you understand this has nothing to do with you and that once I am back in my perfect mental health I shall deny ever feeling this way.

So forgive me when I say this is ridiculous!I usually think of myself as a nice, happy and optimistic person.
Not as in a pathetic careless nut-head, but more of a sensitive conscientious person.
but lately... well... the last 6 months... I have been unbearable even for my own taste.
I don't know how your hot-headed father can put up with me when I can't even stand myself. He must really love you already.

My body hurts, I can't sleep and I have been moody for as long as I now can remember, which nowadays means somewhere over three weeks.
I'll explain:
I can't recognize myself!
I don't understand what crazy bitch has taken over my brain but she is desperate, winy and hungry... I meant angry... but yes, definitely hungry too.
My but has been growing to the sides making it flatter and huger than I ever thought possible and yet it can't comfortably handle the weight of us when I sit.
My back hurts from month to month as if it can't make up its mind, unstable as I, or to remind me that if I continue to grow I will never find my way back to the regular size I used to have. Which hasn't made me as unstable as I would have expected, since all else seems to be on minimum operating systems.
My breathing has been hard since your were three months, before I could officially confirm what everybody could tell for over two months.
My head has been unfocused and your poor brother has been suffering the most. I hope you compensate him afterwards by being his best friend for ever.
All of that is so normal, to be expected and there is not really that much that I can do about it and I can't really say it wasn't part of my choice in having you.

But lately... oh lately I have entered a whole new type of hell.
Who on earth designed us to fill up in liquids like camels to the point our fluids don't circulate anymore for lack of room and just start puffing every extremity like we hope that will lessen the weight over our legs? I don't mind the visual, I am a huge fan of all versions of monsters from beauty and the beast but it hurts! Your whole body hurts and when you try to sleep it just cracks out loud at you, together with the bed frame, laughing in an impossible bulling until your brain gives in to the idleness that finally matches your discomfort, just to wake you up few hours later in time to save a numb arm that takes forever to get back to normal and allow you to try and continue your most needed rest.
Oh, and all those simple tasks that you are used to perform... you actually try, which is naive, and you then either get a huge laugh out of it or a huge grudge to the nice person that ends up helping you out. You never know because your brain is so drunken in fluids that it works on a lottery based system.

But you go on, thinking this only means I am getting closer to meet you. I mean, I only felt like this with your brother when I was already home waiting to pop.
And then I f$%^ do the math... I still have to grow two more months! Can anyone please tell me where it can still all blow up to? How can I still grow?
I am always hungry and every-time I eat I can only remember a friend that saw me eating an innocent orange and couldn't help his mouth:
"Stop eating woman! You are going to explode!"
I found it so funny then I couldn't help but crack up. Right now, I feel like he might actually be right. And if for some sort of miracle I manage to survive ten more full weeks of enlargement, how could my body ever recover from all this beating? Can't be normal! Can't be what it is designed to do.

Could people actually be doing this voluntarily to themselves? Could it be most pregnancies are so light like, my first one, that we get convinced to keep having these beautiful creatures until we get a pregnancy that makes your days stop, your breath windy, your feet alien and your body resent you every day? Or are we so well built that we forget all bad parts of it fast enough to consider yet another child? Did I feel this way with your brother and no longer remember, I surely hope so. When do I get to hold you in my arms filled with pain meds and sleep deprivation drowsiness in a slow motion type of out-of-body experience? 10 more weeks? You have to be kidding me! I want my mommy! No, wait, first I want to castrate my husband, then I want lots and lots of chocolate and to write a deep felt apology letter to my boss for 6 months of crappy brain work and then I want my mommy and vacation until the summer. Oh, god! Can you imagine if I was like this during the summer? It would take all my love for you not to go crazy or do something drastic. Sorry! It is the hormones talking, meet the crazy bitch version of the person I can't seem to recognize. I just hope you can still meet the real me, the one able to smile and breathe and walk... (without feeling like the floor doesn't accommodate the concavity of my alien feet)

Can't wait to meet you

You aren't here yet,
I actually have barely meet you
and yet constantly felt you
and already I am certain my life will never be the same!

Confident that I couldn't live without
the presence that you are now,
who ever you are,
however you turn out to be.

The clock beats to my wonders
of the person of you,
who you are meant to be,
who you shall become.

Do not fright.
I have no fix idea
or image of what to expect.
Instead it is more a revival
of that feeling while growing up
when I was asked from time to time
who I would become
and I would day dream
picturing myself
every time differently...

A fire-woman!
No, a ballerina!
No, a singer!
No, a scientist!
No. I know, a woman police!
A world of possibilities, many so embracing.
...but now in a shorter time distance
and the picture I get
is of the abstract version of you.

I can picture your features,
your happiness and fulfillment
as we venture through
these alternative universes.
But you aren't here yet.

I breath deeply,
thanking the calendar for reaching
the point where you are no longer
in danger of not becoming.

I dread the times I go too long
without feeling you within my own
and my friends taunt my fragile tension
by saying it is the type of fear
that won't go away,
not even after you move out
and make your own way.

Whoever you are
I love you!
Whatever you need
I am here for you!
And nothing you can say
or do
will change that one bit.

I hope you grow up, to be my Matilda

When you grow up
you'll be big enough to know what I've done
and see I taught you to be a grown
for you when you're grown up.

And when you grow up
You'll be smart enough to understand
all the reasons of those nasty things
I ask of you before you've grown up.

And when you grow up
you'll be allowed to make mistakes
but be responsible and work
and go to bed late every night.

And you will wake up
when the sun comes up and
hopefully with a family in house
go to work until your eyes go square.

And you won't complain because you are a grown up!

When you grow up!

When you grow up, When you grow up!

You will be strong enough to carry all
the heavy things the world throws at you
as it does when you're a grown-up!

And when you grow up, when you grow up!
You'll be brave enough to fight the batles
that you have to fight, with our support,
each night to be a grown-up!

 Based on the lyrics of "When I grow up" from Matilda the Musical

mommy smash

It happened again,
and will for certain.
I am not in control of
monsters under my skin.

I give up on excuses.
The more I think of why
the clearer it is there are none.
How will I manage?

I am sorry, I truly am.
Please forgive me and
if you can be you patient.

Mommy too needs you,
mommy is scary scared too
mommy loves you though.

And now I am afraid to die.

You were so tiny,
You've grown so much,
yet unready and unprepared
for all you'll fair ahead.

To young to understand,
how to insure you get my hand
when the road is toughest
during beauty and roughness?

For just in case you'll have words,
hope you'll care for them
when/if the time comes.

For now I will give you love,
hope to fill your heart so much
it will be never hollow.