When I was born I had no concept of male or female, or man or woman. Then I grew up and I had cousins, we played together and enjoyed very much until they found out that I was a girl and that that somehow meant I wasn't supposed to play the same way, the same games or get interested in the same fun. I noticed that my father would refuse giving me girlish presents since he abominated the idea of a girlish girl, so I got a remote controlled car instead of a Barbie I asked for. But then the car was set aside since I didn't drive it well enough and it could get damaged. I got painting tools I loved and once in a while the lack of time to find the perfect gift and the pressure to not disappoint would force him to gift me with beautifying stuff, and the word stuff would be heart felt by his spirit. On the other hand whenever there was anything less girlish needing doing I was suddenly a nuisance who's help was worth less than the effort to explain, after all what would be the use for a girl to know how to hammer or tighten screws?
I spent my life on a limbo, more of a Tom than most girls, more of girl than most Toms. I found out there was a place in such limbo and I could define it. I liked sports, but not watching them. I liked dancing but not beautifying a room. I liked math's, which I always felt was a male characteristic of mine and I loved painting and dancing which I felt was more of a female characteristic. Determined to prove that I could as good as a man on a men's world I opted for math's and the most likely area to produce a job that would allow me to sustain my family. Yes, I didn't mind being taken care of, but I needed to know I could do it just as well.
That is how I meat you. Careless about your looks you vainly paraded your ideas and showed off your dominance in the hardest subjects. You said you thought you found your match in me, that I could actually be smarter in ways. I thought I found my match, the one smarter than me. We thought in similar ways, we used the same words and laughed at each other's jokes.
I came from a broken heart, determined to change my ways. I settled for someone that would need to put his career first, because he was such a good company. I didn't mind doing most of the house work, it wasn't much more than I would do for me alone and I loved talking while at it, the constant challenging ideas and sharing of philosophies. Time moved fast, faster than I had expected. When the time came to make our family, I knew that wasn't your priority and I tried to thank you the chance by taking as much of the responsibility as I could handle. But being a mother is not easy, and my boy wasn't either. So in time I needed your help and started to hate when you would work strange hours with little efficiency to aim at your goals. I tried to give you all the freedom, to find the best path to your career, but you snarled at any suggestion and asked me to give you more time instead. You pulled away to focus on a difficult and competitive area and the more you gave the less you seemed to be getting there. All seemed to work against you, the timing, the area of expertise, the supervisor, the fact that you were not alone and easy to up and leave if need be.
I fought you to get a second child, convinced that it would take at least two to make a family and that I could handle it too. But I had aa hard pregnancy and needed more and more help. I saw the fact that you now took charge of getting our first born to bed as a sign that you two were getting some important bonding time and you were helping in a very nice way. I kept trying to keep a float, a job, a kid and soon a baby. Now you tell me how incredibly low on my priorities you are, and that that would alone prevent you from following your dream. I was so mad at you! I have been trying my limit for almost 4 years now, have been doing everything for other 6 and you blame me for not reaching as far as you need to be who you set out to be? But I guess it is true. I asked kids of you when I knew you needed to reach for the stars and then I needed you to cover for me more often than I could anticipate. I always thought time was a ticking on my side, because I am a woman and I neglected to compensate how much it floods you with the impossibility to find your goal. I am not sure what I could have done different, certain I couldn't have done more and worried I needed your acknowledgement because all this straining of myself would have been in vane otherwise.
I hate you right now, you selfish self-centered ungrateful man, that make me feel like my best is never enough when I am giving to work like a man, to my children like a mother and to you as a wife as much as I can manage, when maybe you needed someone single that could follow you and marvel at your genius and provide some magic to your path. You make me feel sorry that I am only human and yet you love me, and know I love you, know your words cut that much deeper and your pains resonate that much stronger in me.
There is no point in keeping this letter as a draft, the chances that you would care enough to read my blog are slim and I am the one that doesn't love you enough to support you in your ambitions? I am lost, for what is worst is that after all I will only be left with a wounded heart and two brilliant children on their way to their life.
