Dark side of love

Yesterday my son cried of fear,
it might have been the first time,
and it was fear of his mommy.
How to handle the ugly inside?

I can't seem to control frustration.
Not by the lack of exposure,
god knows I had my dose.
But by my caring too much.

I care too much that you refuse,
everything that I can ask of you.
I am anxious to keep you clean.
I dread of you being unsafe.

Hence my being too harsh,
too demanding of you,
too critical of home and me,
too ungrateful to daddy.

And you have a strong will,
maybe stronger than mine.
And I nag, scream or yell instead
of empowering you with love.

In the end I know it irrelevant,
but in the moment I only react.
I just love you so much I end up
being the fear in your eyes.

I wish you could comprehend,
that I could explain or make sense,
that you didn't have to understand,
that you didn't need to cry.

mommy smash

It happened again,
and will for certain.
I am not in control of
monsters under my skin.

I give up on excuses.
The more I think of why
the clearer it is there are none.
How will I manage?

I am sorry, I truly am.
Please forgive me and
if you can be you patient.

Mommy too needs you,
mommy is scary scared too
mommy loves you though.

Nonsense spiral

It sounds nonsensical that you should surround yourself by the spirit you harbor inside.
It looks unreasonable to shield from the forces that could carry you back from your depths.
It sickens as ironically moronic to search for perpetuating circumscribing circumstances.
It is absolutely irrational that you dig a deeper hole when you find darkness crawling at you.

And yet, after all and thereafter, here we are, drowning willingly in our own misery,
gorging ourselves in our own ecstasy, finding our paint for life's editing.
All because we are and want to keep being who we chose to become.
When the moment calls for it, you honor it, by clinging to the feeling you should fill.

So you seek for rain or you seek for sun shine,
you seek to fill the day with pain or pride,
removing the plain paint of life.

You find the power to live life to the fullest,
by deepening into your primary sensation,
thus vulnerable to the spiral of emotions.