Vacuum of recognition 📜🖋️

I got published, hurray!

As soon as I knew I flew
these news
to all of those
I keep so close
in white doves
of slick wings
with confetti on their beaks.

I love you so
I had to, you know?      

And thus I could rejoice
in your breading pride.
I could celebrate
more than I meant
or tried
or the occasion required.

But what of the deed?
Dead in deaf ears!

Not even the stamp
of a honorable judge
could tickle your thirst
for fruits of my stand
for lilies of my gardens
for sketches of my pen
for words of mine.

Who am I?
I am a concept.

To you measures of glory
are as flighty 'n' abstract
as scores in a game
that we play
and I am but the sum
and I am but a name
on a digital scale.

Happiness leads
thus to dismay:
As I understand
how vulgar  the collection,
as I comprehend
how hollow the victories
and cheap the dances;

As I bare defeat:
how tiny I am,
no one cared to check?

Henceforward shall I:
let this uptight life flee,
embrace the time
needn't be mine
and walk proud
of my own rhyme.

Is that not the stride
of the poet?

💙 Be my valentine 💕

Yes, I know it is all a ruse
a cynical scheduled snooze
of our daily growing bruise
before yet another noose.

But take my unsteady hand
lock your bright eyes in mine
I need this medicinal hot wine
numbing pause in our ever fight.

Let our worries thus dive
in tomorrow's certain strives
give me the now as prize.

Fill me again, your vessel,
of all for which we duel
let passion flow me through.

Chronic pains

My eyes flooded rivers of pain
that just wouldn't settle in
that would not dry
that would just not end.

Cut by papers a million
words whispered the wind.
I broke, I fell
and scraped it all
more times than I recall.
My heart has burned to ash
while compressed lungs
brought acid to my mouth
just to phoenix to a mess.

I wish I could weep today,
I can feel the bottling
the raising of the level
the silent build up of strain
small things altogether.

I crack and burst easily,
waves rush from my chest
lava eruption of fears
as I roar wildness of despair.

I stutter and shy
I find myself lashing
cowardly at a child
at a tiny heart of mine.

How could I?
What is wrong with me?
My brain tries to decide,
but what if it does not?
What could even justify?
Wait do not... don't cry.

His eyes focus wide
in the deepest of mine.
He knows this sound too well
he recons I'd rather not yell.
But what is he learning?
From my lack of restrain?
How much damage
am I ultimately making
and where does it begin?
where will it end?

I wish to find the possession
the source of this pressure,
and rip it out this time.
My ego finds only excuses
they are too light to blame.
What should I?
or what can I do?
What does it mean?
To me and to you?

My heart torches inside,
with the agony of my sight
in his tiny shiny huge eyes...
I need help! I need it soon!
Like lungs filling with water...
like tides need the moon...
like all else shouldn't matter...
His heart needs me full.

I need to meet this demon,
reach it in the darkest pit
of my cold hidden structure
pull it by horns of its,
bring it to the lights
of this glued smoked
faint heart of mine,
to answer for its crimes.

But much as I try
all I could find
is empty echo in the black
no end to pull or grab.
Am I so broken assured
I cannot save child I owe
from these explosive spurts?
And to the dark I return!